yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
