I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
