Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
