I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
