I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
