I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
