Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
