hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize