i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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