he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
