Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
