I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
