Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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