I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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