Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
