is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
