Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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