I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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