You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
