walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
