he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
