dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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