Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
