Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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