Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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