Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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