I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
You don't make any sense
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