i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
