So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
