i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
