A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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