So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
