I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
