have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
