three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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