when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
as a side note pls kill me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
