who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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