Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
