So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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