Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the room spins SO much faster in panama
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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