got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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