Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
