Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
