I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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