i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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