i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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