My liver just broke up with me...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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