i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
