He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize