tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
