Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
