You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
