This house was built for laser tag.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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