I could make wine with my vomit
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
either way he was missing a nipple.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
