Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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