Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
