dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
