I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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