Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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