Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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