the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
