I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
