The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
