his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize