I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
